Friday, March 29, 2013

flat tire,drag queens,iui oh my....

The weekend started out with anxiety. It started out with my follie check on Thursday which right 25 and left 13 and my trigger shot not being dropped off because it needed a signature even though I emailed the pharmacy no signature needed!! Also had to go up to Re to get wash fir hubby men thank God FedEx was on the way. We made the best of it and hubby was coming down with a nasty virus fever and all great timing right???? So he did the injection around 8 and the next day in afternoon boy did I feel the pain!!! So Friday night I agreed weeks ago to go out with an old friend for his bday that me and my hubby grew up with a close dear friend that we recently connected with. So downtown we went yo a gay bar full of drag queens it was fun unusual and interesting to say the least .
So we left early around 11 both anxious about the following morning. I did have fun but really was detached there on friday night I had so much anxiety about the procedure but about hubbys sperm count he has never had one before. So were are in the highway and we get a flat and all I can think about is how am I going to get to iui tomorrow??? Wtf thankfully hubby got the donut in but I was terrified to drive on a donut so far as I had too. So I woke up at 4am took solution out of the frig and then hubby woke up an hour later and did his duty. He brought his men and tmi when you see it in a cup well at least me you're like this is it??? So I started panicking there is not going to be enough so I stuck it in my bra and went forth to the iui all the way there desperately wanting my hubby by my side. So guess what happens next? Get there take the men out of my bra and some leaked!!Right there I wanted to throw in the towel and cancel. So sign in and wait, finally get into the back after an hour of waiting expecting to hear bad news and guess what my hubby has super sperm .3.6 ml 80 mill and 95% motility after wash!!!whew!!!!!!So the procedure itself was like 30 seconds!!! Went home got my fav pizza and took long nap!!! Now its the waiting game:((


I am 6dpiui and feel nothing nada zilch zip!!!! i keep having these these thoughts that it didn't work and I don't want to have these thoughts, they invade my mind and I can't shake them. I want to be positive I would give anything to be that girl saying to herself I know this worked!!! But i am not instead I am doubtful this will ever work I am sorry i can not picture myself pregnant again and making my husband a father. These feelings dominant me, they are like ivy crawling and sticking to me and as much as you pull the vines off they grow back 2fold!!! I try to say to myself it will happen then a voice inside me laughs stupid girl hahaha she thinks she is going to have another baby!!!! I want to cry a lot these days but I don't I feel the tears in my throat but nothing comes out. I feel a heaviness on my chest and I wish it would go away. I feel despair,anguish,sorrow,disappointment and pain. I feel like this is a pain that no one feels but me to be pregnant 7 times with chemical pregnancy's since 2010 not counting the three miscarriages before this time who does that happen too? This girl. Every time I have seen those two lines and say to myself this is going to be it no way God would do this to me again and again it happens.  Tonight when I get off work I am going to have a good cry in the shower and hopefully relieve the heaviness from my chest  in the words of Iyanla Vanzant

Today, I cried.

I came home, went straight to my room,

sat on the edge of my bed,

kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,

and I had myself a good cry.”
Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried

Thursday, March 21, 2013

all eggs in one basket(well one follicle)

I went to the RE this morning fearing bad news. I went in had my blood drawn and ultrasound which showed a lining of 11 and follicle on left 13 and follicle on right 25!!! Holy crap!!! I left the RE with a big smile on my face and nervousness in my belly. I want this to work I need this to work. I drove my husband car their and popped in a random cd and it had our wedding song on it, Shania Twain and Lionel Richie Endless Love this is so about what me and my husband are. Together as young teenagers separated for a decade and reunited to make a family of our own.

If anyone deserves this it;s my husband who beside my father is the greatest man I have ever known. He is the best dad to my children and has the biggest heart and is full of love. His love for me is endless. He wants this so bad sometimes I think more than me!!! He will be a great dad and to know the joy he will get to raise a child of his own from birth its makes my heart flutter.
                                                                   Then circa 1996
Now my RE office just called and they have scheduled me for an IUI???? Excuse me pardon me come again. Was totally taken aback by this and my husband has work on Saturday so I have to drive back up to the RE office and pick up solution to keep his men alive!!!! That sucks and i  have to get up an hour earlier then he has to be up to get the solution to room temperature!!!! I hate that I have to go alone but there is no other choice. Now I feel like this HAS to work!! Putting all my dreams,hopes,egg,follicles in this basket!!!!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

sunny days ahead

So it was sunny here for the first time!!! The time of day it got sunny was around 3 in the afternoon this reminds me of my dad who would of raced out of work to get a couple rounds of golf in on the first sunny day. I miss my dad I always miss him this time of year. Its been 13 years this May that he has passed and it still hurts as it was yesterday!! My dad was awesome!!!
I am getting nervous about my appt with my RE tomorrow worried that the femara didn't work. Worried that we will have to try injectables just plain old worried. Sunny days bring new things new life and I am ready for that. I want to relish in memories of my Dad and think of the new things to come. Goid things they have to be on their way right?

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

patio furniture or baby hmmm

Ok so went to new RE liked him a lot and so did my hubby. My hubby took off work and came with me today. So I have had a gut feeling that something besides my translocation is going on and guess what so did my RE!!! He feels with my spotting and light periods clomid is not doing the job correctly so he prescribed femara and ovidrel. So everything went well on that end now onto insurance. So I was getting ready to pay my nice little copay if 35 when she said that will be 335.00 for today I nearly fell on the floor. My insurance is making me pay deductible to the tune of 500.00 and then they cover 80% and We are responsible for 20% on top of copay and that this visit is the most expensive!!! So I have rounded out that like 90 every time I need ultrasound and so on. If I just need blood I will get it done at my hospital because its free. I am glad we can do this but by no means are we rich I have major brace work to pay for this month and braces will be paid off by august!!! The patio furniture I wanted is no go and the top kitchen cabinets might take a little longer to get!! but I will take a baby over patio furniture!!!

Thursday, March 7, 2013


Started with dry scratchy throat on monday and turned into body aches and fever tuesday!! Called out of work wed and today. Started taking HPT on dollar tree on tuesday. See there is a slight problem FF had my ovulation day on min and I over rode it and put it to Sunday so I am either 10/11 dpo and dollar tree gave me damn evap lines!!! So my temp dipped yesterday and shot back up today and on top if that spotting!!! Hello wtf!! I want to scream I do not feel pregnant at all everytime I have been my boobs hurt my af according to my luteal phase of 14 days is due on monday. We fid everything right took clomid bd all the right days!!! Why am I spotting on 11dpo again like last month?? Or I am 10 dpo and its implantation bleeding but who am I kidding I am not that lucky!!! Oh and I still feel like crap!!! feeling down and out:(